Stonecold's Wife Problem

[ddawg91]

sorry boys, you guys have been very helpful but I'm gonna have to go off the beaten path a little bit here and say some things that may not be well-received.

First of all, we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Josh cannot and should not be expected to repair this relationship on his own.

Obviously, two people are in this precarious position, and both are obviously hurt. You can't clap with one hand so both people have got to meet somewhere in the middle if this thing has a sliver of a chance of being fixed.

She doesn't like to do this, doesn't like to do that... well, you know what, TOUGH!!!!! We must all look to support one another and complement each other in our endeavors, otherwise why get married at all.

Very true, a part I left out.

[adoniscomplex]

sorry boys, you guys have been very helpful but I'm gonna have to go off the beaten path a little bit here and say some things that may not be well-received.

First of all, we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Josh cannot and should not be expected to repair this relationship on his own.

Obviously, two people are in this precarious position, and both are obviously hurt. You can't clap with one hand so both people have got to meet somewhere in the middle if this thing has a sliver of a chance of being fixed.

She doesn't like to do this, doesn't like to do that... well, you know what, TOUGH!!!!! We must all look to support one another and complement each other in our endeavors, otherwise why get married at all.

Keep in mind that people grow apart.. Over a stretch of 11 years, lots of things can happen, lots.. You are now a completely different person, and you can no longer cater to her the way you used to.. That is understandable. It seems that in the 11 years you've been with her, she's grown very little as a person. Sure, you've spoiled her, but that is not your fault. She is an adult and it should be her desire and goal to blossom more as a person as the years go by. If she has failed to do this for herself, it is not your job to facilitate that mentality.

I've lots more to say. I will think on this.

i have read a bunch of your relantionship posts on here john
and i feel you are like a muscular buddah
wise with out the weight problem

[adoniscomplex]

sct , have you talked to her about the problem of you guys growing apart and where she is headed (health wise )

i had this problem with my gf of a year who i live with but we have managed to slowly (very slowly) grow together
she def makes it hard on my diet but we are working on finding common healthy meals we both like

and she doesnt like the gym but it turns out she loves taebo so i agreed to do it as part of my cardio
ya its lame but its worth the extra time with her and i want her to be fit too so anyway i can help i try

[Controlled Labs]

i have read a bunch of your relantionship posts on here john
and i feel you are like a muscular buddah
wise with out the weight problem

haha, I love it

[Team Enzyte]

First question is to ask yourself if you REALLY want this to work out. I know the good "Christian" response is to say yes & do what it takes to make it work. But I know all too well how hard it is to be in a crappy relationship (not saying yours is crappy, just have some issues right now) & how hard it is actually WANT to make things work, much less put in the effort.

Props to her for encouraging you initially on your goals. I hope she gets the desire & allows you to return the favor.

[Mr. Aries]

i have read a bunch of your relantionship posts on here john
and i feel you are like a muscular buddah
wise with out the weight problem

haha thanks bro... i tend to think a lot about things like these.



To me, a relationship is not some rock that stays still come rain or shine. I think that's a bunch of baloney.. A relationship is like a seed you plant in the soil, meaning it has the potential to grow.. Now, depending on outside factors, it can blossom with sunlight and water (relationship matures), or wither away (relationship goes sour)..

Some factors can be controlled, such as faith in your partner and faith in the relationship, working hard toward the same dreams, and spending time with each other. However, there are other factors that we cannot anticipate, just like a flower cannot anticipate to bloom during a bad hurricane season.

Sometimes, when the bond is strong, it can weather the storm and continue growing.. Other times, it slows dies as the relationship starts to erode away with each coming storm.. We are people, and it's part of human nature. Not everyone is equally strong, equally faithful, and equally competent. SOmetimes, the person we once thought was the rock in our relationship becomes a kite that gets carried around with every slight wind.

Over the short term, it is easy to enjoy each other's company as we display our prettiest feathers for each other. We try hard to make it work, and we try hard to impress. Over the long run, we start to trust more, but at the same time, we start to show more and more of our insecurities and our fears.. Sometimes, these fears and insecurities are so deeply rooted in ourselves that there is no hope that anyone can help us overcome them.. This is what your wife has shown you: the other side.. The side that is insecure, fearful, the side that you cannot take care of...


Do I have any advice for you? None... It's up to her to pull through. You can only do so much on your end.. Sometimes the more you do, the greater you become, the more fearful and resentful your wife will be...

[jiritt0]

im not a big relationship guru... i kind of stray from commitment at this point in my life.. but to me the biggest part of a healthy relationship is being able to move forward together, rather than seperately.

if you feel your life is taking you in a completely different direction than your mates is, my advice would be to discuss the situation with her, and perhaps seriously think things through.
you dont want to jump into a decision, as this is a major part of your life, but if it is something that truly bothers you, it is better to acknowledge it and work towards something more desirable for you, which could be the unthinkable (or uninevitable). Don't let this burden you too much SCT, sure; it is a big deal, but take life as it comes, somethings just happen and there isnt much you can do. the worst thing would be for you to internalize the situation and beat yourself up over it for some reason.

It seems you still care for this woman very much, which is something that not everyone whom is married can say, that is a start. dont think things will change overnight, be patient and hope for the best

i hope that helps a little..

[Mr. Aries]

if love is real, it will find it's way

[jiritt0]

if love is real, it will find it's way

deep!

[stonecoldtruth]

Thanks everyone for your responses, I had no idea I'd wake up with this kind of response

As far as the couples therapy or individual therapy, anytime that is brought up she just gets more depressed and then angry because she feels like, to quote her, 'You are just being mean to me and trying to change me.' And I can see how that would make her feel, even if those feelings are silly, they are still real and powerful.

I also think a large part of her fear and worry is that if I get all 'buff' again like I was in high school (ie in shape, but I was never Mr. Arieslike) that I will leave her for some 'more attractive' girl. While this is backwards logic and seems to just make her be more unhealthy, I understand that as well. That was one of the reasons I started to gain weight in the first place, because after I got hurt in football all of my popularity went away, as well as the supply of cheerleader lovins

Our anniversary is coming up and I am going to do something special, not sure what yet though. Sometime after our anniversary I think it is time to sit down and have a talk about our relationship. Not a negative one, just a totally honest one. I think it is better to be totally honest and risk hurting her feelings than to wait 10 years from now when like my dad says 'we'll despise each other' and then just leave.

As you can see this post started out about 'lack of sex' but it is really about so much more. It is about wanting to enjoy the things of life with my wife as opposed to having to go through this journey alone, and wanting grow together. That is what it boils down to, I've started to grow up while my wife hasn't changed.

I appreciate all of your advice and time guys, it really means a lot.

Josh

[Mr. Aries]

i understand it josh... who wants to wake up everyday wondering if they woke up next to the right person?

Honesty is important here. Some things must be out of the way before a relationship can be rescued.

[Controlled Labs]

Thanks everyone for your responses, I had no idea I'd wake up with this kind of response

As far as the couples therapy or individual therapy, anytime that is brought up she just gets more depressed and then angry because she feels like, to quote her, 'You are just being mean to me and trying to change me.' And I can see how that would make her feel, even if those feelings are silly, they are still real and powerful.

I also think a large part of her fear and worry is that if I get all 'buff' again like I was in high school (ie in shape, but I was never Mr. Arieslike) that I will leave her for some 'more attractive' girl. While this is backwards logic and seems to just make her be more unhealthy, I understand that as well. That was one of the reasons I started to gain weight in the first place, because after I got hurt in football all of my popularity went away, as well as the supply of cheerleader lovins

Our anniversary is coming up and I am going to do something special, not sure what yet though. Sometime after our anniversary I think it is time to sit down and have a talk about our relationship. Not a negative one, just a totally honest one. I think it is better to be totally honest and risk hurting her feelings than to wait 10 years from now when like my dad says 'we'll despise each other' and then just leave.

As you can see this post started out about 'lack of sex' but it is really about so much more. It is about wanting to enjoy the things of life with my wife as opposed to having to go through this journey alone, and wanting grow together. That is what it boils down to, I've started to grow up while my wife hasn't changed.

I appreciate all of your advice and time guys, it really means a lot.

Josh

I am sure you will make the right decision you have a great head on your shoulders.

[stonecoldtruth]

I am sure you will make the right decision you have a great head on your shoulders.

Coming from you that means a lot to me man

i understand it josh... who wants to wake up everyday wondering if they woke up next to the right person?

Honesty is important here. Some things must be out of the way before a relationship can be rescued.

I agree, I think it is time I laid it ALL out on the table for her. Tell her how I feel, why I feel that way, how it impacts us, and then proceed to hear her out. I think that in past attempts there has been too much of a 'we need to talk' vibe, maybe this time there needs to be a 'this is what is on my heart' theme..

Thanks guys, I feel 100000% better now

Josh

[Mr. Aries]

I agree, I think it is time I laid it ALL out on the table for her.
Josh

yeap, lay it all on the table so you can lay her on the table...

[ddawg91]

yeap, lay it all on the table so you can lay her on the table...

There is nothing in the world better then make up sex!!!

Hey SCT, honesty is the best policy. We are all here behind you and you will do the right thing. I hope all turns out well for you and you have a great anniversary.