Stonecold's Wife Problem

[stonecoldtruth]

So as many of you may know, I'm married. I've been married for 11 months now, but I've been together with my wife for FIVE YEARS. She has been with me through a lot in my life, including my weight gain. In fact, over the course of our relationship I gained 145lbs (and lost back most of it so far ) and she has gained around 70lbs. This has no real relevance to my issue, just laying down the backstory.

My problems are thus:

My wife and I have had sex a total of 13 times in the past year, 9 of which were in a two day span where she suddenly got horny. That means aside from those 9 times I get physically attention only once every three months. Now, I tried for the longest time to tell myself it didn't bother me, BUT IT DOES... I've always been the physically intimate type, she just isn't. I'm not talking purely sex either, I'm referring to making out, foreplay, oral, etc.. We've talked about the issue and she just 'doesn't feel attractive' and my losing weight has made her have even more self-esteem issues. I've tried over and over to get her into the gym with me, it just doesn't work. I've tried to get her to eat healthier, and it falls on it's ass.

The downfall to all of this is that I'm finding myself not attracted physically or emotionally to the person she is. She hasn't really 'changed', but I have. I've grown in so many ways, and lost in so many others, I'm not the same person I was this time last year. But where does that leave my wife and I?

There are a lot more 'small' issues, but I guess my question is this..

What do you do when you find that the person you fell in love with isn't the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with... I want someone who supports my fitness journies and helps to push me harder, not someone who brings that down and makes my struggle even harder. Or am I just over-analyzing and none of this matters on a larger scale when my marriage is what is important?

I realize this was a long post, but please don't respond unless you have sincere intentions. This comes straight from my heart right here..

[pu12en12g]

How were things physically before the marriage ?

[stonecoldtruth]

How were things physically before the marriage ?

For the first two years of our relationship, we were like BUNNIES man.. at least twice a day. Then one day she said that she wanted to wait until we got married, that she didn't feel good about 'living in extra sin'... I accepted that since she is a woman who has christian values, but since the wedding.. like I said..

[pu12en12g]

Do you think her issues could be related to depression / low self esteem / guilt ?

[ddawg91]

First off, let me start by saying that this happens. Women sometimes go through hormonal changes (especially when gaining weight) and that affects their sex drive. Has she been to the doctor about this? They may run some blood work and see if this maybe the case.

Now why does she not feel attractive? When dicussing the issue are you more on the attack or supportive lets talk about this because I am concerned" approach?

Have you always been into fitness or was it something that you just decided one day? Have you discussed your changes with her? Sometimes the ones we love are intimidaded by biug changes in the others lives, especially when they are gaining and you are losing weight.

I have been married 14 years now and it has had some ups and downs so I hope I can help out some.

[stonecoldtruth]

Do you think her issues could be related to depression / low self esteem / guilt ?

My wife is very co-dependent when it comes to our relationship. I think a lot of the issues stem from me making changes that she is not a part of, as well as me being around less and her being forced to do some things on her own. I love my wife more than you can possibly understand, but I have fostered this problem. I have, for 5 years, 'spoiled' her in that I always cook/clean/do laundry/etc.. in fact my wife hasn't opened a door or pumped her own gas since we've been together.. I thought these things were GOOD things, but in retrospect I have a sneaking suspicision they are part of a larger problem.

First off, let me start by saying that this happens. Women sometimes go through hormonal changes (especially when gaining weight) and that affects their sex drive. Has she been to the doctor about this? They may run some blood work and see if this maybe the case.

Now why does she not feel attractive? When dicussing the issue are you more on the attack or supportive lets talk about this because I am concerned" approach?

I've tried the soft and supportive approach and the 'is it me' approach, I've never tried to be pushy with her about it. The last thing I want is to hurt her feelings over it, because it is obvious it is an issue to her in a different way than it is to me, ya know?

I tried to get her to agree to go to a doctor or a therapist, just to talk to someone about it, but she says that she doesn't see a problem, that she just doesn't feel attractive.

I've tried to be romantic and spontaneous, but there seems to be some underlying issues, something she just isn't letting me in on.

Have you always been into fitness or was it something that you just decided one day? Have you discussed your changes with her? Sometimes the ones we love are intimidaded by biug changes in the others lives, especially when they are gaining and you are losing weight.

Before I knew her, back in high school, I was big into football/fitness. However, when she met me I had started down this path to obesity. I was holding steady around 250 at that time, but I had already formed lazy and bad habits.

She actually encouraged me at first with the changes I was making, and helped be part of the decision to undertake these changes. She has given up 9 months of our life to this point practically. We used to spend 4-5 hours per day together, and now we get lucky to have 1-2. However, she says she understands.

I feel like I'm torn between my fitness/health and spending time with my wife, because she isn't ready to do this herself. She still has all of the bad eating/sleeping/lifestyle habits that I walked away from, and I think in a way she feels like I walked away from her when I left those.

Much of our old activities (loving to watch tv, eating, going to the movies and munching on junk food), we just don't do anymore.

Dang, I'm long-winded.

Thanks both of you for your help, I really needed to talk tonight...

[ddawg91]

Hey anytime.

Don't be down on yourself for always being a gentleman, that is what makes then feel special. Women are not physical creatures, they are more emotional. So doing these things for her are examples of your expression of love.

Now, is it possible to get more time in? I mean 1-2 hours is not much to keep a relationship going. I understand your goals and am really impressed with what you have done and are going to achive, but you cannot leave her out of the picture too. She says she understands because she sees how it has made you a better person and makes you happy and that is what she wants. Sounds to me that she is clamming up so that she isn't hurt at the loss of "you" time. And maybe even feels like you love fitness more than her. Don't ge tme wrong and that I am pointing fingers but I have kind of been through this before with the gym and time thing.

My wife is supportive of my training but I have also made some sacrifices in order to keep time for "us" especially now that we have a son.

[stonecoldtruth]

Now, is it possible to get more time in? I mean 1-2 hours is not much to keep a relationship going.

My wife is supportive of my training but I have also made some sacrifices in order to keep time for "us" especially now that we have a son.

I can make more time, but then it comes down to the issue of us not liking to do the same things, ya know? She wants us to spend time together watching television or going out to eat at restaurants, and those were two of the biggest habits that led to me ballooning up near 400 pounds. That is why I always ask if she wants to go to the gym with me, hoping that will be part of our 'together time'..

I want to spend more time with her, I just don't want to spend it doing things that make me feel like I'm cheating myself out of a healthy lifestyle. The one compromise we HAVE found is that once a week we go see a movie, and I take a snack with me (I know, sneaking food in, bad SCT) Almonds usually..
Maybe we need to find new hobbies together?

As for 'pointing fingers', I know that a lot of this is of my doing. That is the downside of the dedication everyone commends me for, I'm all or nothing... and right now that attitude is hurting my marriage. I love my wife more than anything, including my weight loss journey.. In fact, part of the big reason I continue this journey is so that I can be healthy and have a longer life with her.

*sigh*

[pu12en12g]

So she is totally anti-fitness ? She doesn't like walking, biking, anything fitness related ?

If so, that sounds like potential problems down the road....

[stonecoldtruth]

So she is totally anti-fitness ? She doesn't like walking, biking, anything fitness related ?

If so, that sounds like potential problems down the road....

The few rare times I get her to go to the gym she poops out about 10 minutes in, and then sits in the lobby pouting until I'm ready to go. Usually this works and I leave my workouts early.

She enjoys literally NO fitness-type activities (even going as baseline as camping/fishing/etc)..

Here are her hobbies, from our pogo page:

Pogo
Bingo
Reality Television
Kittens
Attending Plays/Operas
Movies
Music (but not concerts)
Sleep

Like I said, she had these same hobbies when I met her. At that time, those were mine too, but now.. my hobbies..

Running
Biking
Climbing
Weight Lifting
Dance Dance Revolution
Camping
Fishing
Swimming
Supplement Research

Notice I have quite a few more 'ings' than she does?

My dad says that 10 years from now this will have driven us apart and to resent each other, he thinks I should leave her. My dad also never really liked her, so I take that with a grain of salt.

Josh

[Controlled Labs]

she will come around, you just need to give her time and get her to come to the gym with you and eat healthy with you. be honest with her and she will want to help herself and you at the same time. you need to make gym time fun for her. if she likes soap operas then put her on a treadmill or elliptical with one on, the time will fly by.

my wife is in med school so we dont have much time for these things either, but you just need to make time (sort of like an appointment) or things will fall by the wayside. that includes for spending time outside together, for watching tv together, going to the gym together, etc.

let us know if you need anything, we are here for you brother.

[ddawg91]

My wife didn't work out for the longest time and and would go then not go and eat good and then not. It took some time for her to get the "desire" to really get in there.

Of course it didn't help the first time we worked out to gehter she got so sore she couldn't touch her nose for a couple of days.

Any time you need and e-ear I am hear, you can either email or PM if you want to go private.

[Mr. Aries]

sorry boys, you guys have been very helpful but I'm gonna have to go off the beaten path a little bit here and say some things that may not be well-received.

First of all, we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Josh cannot and should not be expected to repair this relationship on his own.

Obviously, two people are in this precarious position, and both are obviously hurt. You can't clap with one hand so both people have got to meet somewhere in the middle if this thing has a sliver of a chance of being fixed.

She doesn't like to do this, doesn't like to do that... well, you know what, TOUGH!!!!! We must all look to support one another and complement each other in our endeavors, otherwise why get married at all.

Keep in mind that people grow apart.. Over a stretch of 11 years, lots of things can happen, lots.. You are now a completely different person, and you can no longer cater to her the way you used to.. That is understandable. It seems that in the 11 years you've been with her, she's grown very little as a person. Sure, you've spoiled her, but that is not your fault. She is an adult and it should be her desire and goal to blossom more as a person as the years go by. If she has failed to do this for herself, it is not your job to facilitate that mentality.

I've lots more to say. I will think on this.

[NumberTwentyTwo]

So as many of you may know, I'm married. I've been married for 11 months now, but I've been together with my wife for FIVE YEARS. She has been with me through a lot in my life, including my weight gain. In fact, over the course of our relationship I gained 145lbs (and lost back most of it so far ) and she has gained around 70lbs. This has no real relevance to my issue, just laying down the backstory.

My problems are thus:

My wife and I have had sex a total of 13 times in the past year, 9 of which were in a two day span where she suddenly got horny. That means aside from those 9 times I get physically attention only once every three months. Now, I tried for the longest time to tell myself it didn't bother me, BUT IT DOES... I've always been the physically intimate type, she just isn't. I'm not talking purely sex either, I'm referring to making out, foreplay, oral, etc.. We've talked about the issue and she just 'doesn't feel attractive' and my losing weight has made her have even more self-esteem issues. I've tried over and over to get her into the gym with me, it just doesn't work. I've tried to get her to eat healthier, and it falls on it's ass.

The downfall to all of this is that I'm finding myself not attracted physically or emotionally to the person she is. She hasn't really 'changed', but I have. I've grown in so many ways, and lost in so many others, I'm not the same person I was this time last year. But where does that leave my wife and I?

There are a lot more 'small' issues, but I guess my question is this..

What do you do when you find that the person you fell in love with isn't the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with... I want someone who supports my fitness journies and helps to push me harder, not someone who brings that down and makes my struggle even harder. Or am I just over-analyzing and none of this matters on a larger scale when my marriage is what is important?

I realize this was a long post, but please don't respond unless you have sincere intentions. This comes straight from my heart right here..

tell her exactly what you told us. itll be tough, but will do more good than bad

[Dr.Dave1]

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I will throw in some of my thoughts . . . hopefully at least one might help you.
From what you have said it sounds like your wife may be depressed. It sounds like you have tried to get her to seek help but she is unwilling to do so. Unfortunately, loss of motivation often times accompanies depression . . . not very good when you are trying to get someone help. I really think the key here is to do what you can to have her work on getting past the depression. Does she recognize that she is depressed? Until she realizes she is depressed she will probably not be amenable to any suggestions. If she is not interested in individual counseling maybe she would be more open to couples counseling, it’s a good way to get someone started down the path. I’m not sure if you are close with any of her friends or siblings but if you feel comfortable expressing your concerns to them (and they have noticed it too) she may respond better . . . of course she may also think you are teaming up on her (that’s always a tough call). However, it can be helpful for people to know that there are others who care about them. If it is possible to get past the depression her energy level, motivation, and interest in new things should increase.
As far as getting her involved with what you like sometimes it can help if you can find something she likes first. Try doing some activities that she enjoys and see if you can have some fun (that can also help with the depression). Obviously, the depression could be contributing to this as well as depressed individuals tend to be more tired, have an increased appetite, and as I mentioned before lack motivation. Anyway, maybe you could tell her that you are worried about her health and want to help her stay healthy.
You could try starting by doing things that don’t seem like exercise but kind of are. For example you mentioned Dance Dance revolution as a hobby of yours. See if she’ll play the game with you. You like to run and being a female she might like to shop (sorry for the stereotype just trying to think of ideas). Maybe you can go to the mall and get her walk around for a while. Then you can point out that walking is not such a bad form of exercise and see if she might give that a try(WARNING: this also may have the unhappy side effect of inducing her to buy lot’s of stuff). More directly related to exercise, she likes to watch TV maybe you could get 2 stationary bikes and ride while watching some reality TV. Additionally, you mentioned she has gained some weight, maybe she does not feel comfortable working out at the gym. Low self esteem often times accompanies depression. So, working out at home my be an option. If you can make it fun then she is more likely to want to do it. No one wants to feel like they have to do something. If you can find an incentive or something that makes it fun then she may start wanting to workout.
Relationships are give and take, it sounds like you have been very giving and she may have gotten used to that. Now that you are very active she may feel some resentment toward your exercise and change in interests. Not only are you spending time doing that instead of being with her but you are now shunning the very activities that you two used to share . . . maybe she feels like she is the next thing to be rejected (I could be way off here). I think it’s great that you have made the changes but maybe she does not see the benefits but instead sees it as you having shifted your priorities away from her. You may have already tried this but . . . offer to watch an hour of reality TV if she goes on a 30 minute walk with you or take her to a play if she agrees to go on a bike ride, etc.

I think some key points are to let her know that: you love her, you are there to support her, you are worried about her depression and unhealthy lifestyle and the long term effects of the two, and that you miss spending some time with her and are going to make it a priority to work on finding ways to do so. And by let her know I do not mean just telling I am mean doing things to show her. Typically it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. It just helps to let her know you are always thinking about her. At least I have found that it seems works well. I realize that with the complications in your relationship this may be easier said than done, but it may be worth a try.

Hopefully that made sense, it’s kind of long and rambling; sorry I only got 4 hours of sleep last night so my mind is not quite up to par today Obviously I do not really know you or your wife and you may have tried some of these things or I may be totally off base. I just wanted to be sure that you did not think I meant any of it disrespectfully. I wish you the best of luck on working toward a happier more fulfilling relationship with your wife.